relationships; parent; conflict; youth; teenagers; teens; negotiation;

Mai aur mummy-papa

We all might be experiencing the fact that since we have entered our teens, there is a lot of conflict with our parents.

Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, but sometimes this is more intense because of change. Let’s face it, as we get older we change physically, emotionally and in the way we think about and see ourselves. During adolescence these changes can happen quickly. We people often move away from our parent’s beliefs as we are learning about the world, and our parents can find this hard.

Causes of conflict

Changes in thinking

As we get older we change and grow in many ways. One of the ways is in how we think. Questions we ask as teenagers become deeper and more abstract than as a young child. So as a young child we might ask, “Why do I have to eat my vegetables?” or “Why can’t I play on the road?”. Those questions are easy for parents to answer. But as our thinking becomes more complex we might ask “Why we have rules in society?” or “Why work from 9 to 5?” or “What is the meaning of life?” This kind of questioning can be harder for our parents to answer.
It’s a time when you start to think working out the world for yourself. Sometimes your values and beliefs can become different to your parents, leading to conflict.

Changes in how parents deal with conflict

When we were young it was pretty easy for our parents to end a conflict with us. They could just say ‘go to your room!’ But now we’re bigger and louder and it’s not so easy for them.

Changing relationships

As a young child it was a relationship where our parents were the leaders of the family. As we mature it becomes a more equal relationship where we all relate on the same level. This change doesn’t happen overnight. The process of moving from one type of relationship to another can be a real struggle and our parents are still responsible for us, maybe even after we might feel that we should be responsible for ourself – so lots of talking about issues is needed.

Individuals changing

We all go through developmental stages. While we’re going from being a baby, to a toddler, to a child, to teenager, to young adult – our parents are moving through their life cycle as well. They’re going from a young adult, to an adult, to middle aged. And we’re all having our individual “age related” crises along the way. Psychologists call it “developmental crises” and it’s normal for us all to go through these. You’ve probably heard of “the mid-life crisis”? Parents may be going through their mid-life crisis while we can be going through our “identity crisis”. All at the same time – in one household. Scary stuff!

Parents coping with changes in us

We grow and change so fast when were a teenager, our parents can find it hard to keep up. It’s a time when we want some independence. We want to think for ourself, to speak for ourself, to form our own values and opinions, to think about our life style and tastes, our emerging sexuality, to have some privacy, to be your own person. In short, this is the time when we are forming our own identity (kind of like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon!). This is another one of those developmental crises – often the toughest to go through. It can be hard for parents to get used to these changes and the new emerging ‘us’. (And it can be hard for you. Sometimes when you are feeling really stressed and uncertain it is easy to want to “take it out” on the people closest to you.)

Physical change

Apart from all the changes in thinking, emotions and identity, there are huge physical changes going on. Our body can change quite rapidly; it can be hard to cope with. Some people look mature and are treated like a man or woman before they really feel that way inside. Others are wondering why friends have changed before they have and when they’ll catch up. It can all be overwhelming.

Parents wanting to protect us

To our parents, our physical growth can be a powerful message that we’re about to go out into the world. They’ve probably learnt (often through making their own mistakes) that the world isn’t always a wonderful place. Our parents are probably very much aware that young people can be at risk of getting into difficult and possibly dangerous situations.

Our parents may feel a need to guide and protect us from harm. The trouble is that, a part of the adolescent challenge is finding out for ourself. It can seem like parents are interfering. What they more likely want to do is to keep you safe. This mismatch of understanding can end up in hassles and arguments. It takes a bit of give and take on both sides to work it out. Parents need to realize that young people need to learn about life for themselves. This is also a learning time for parents – learning when to step back and when to step in (so be patient with them). Sometimes we learn best by our own mistakes but at other times it’s best to listen to other people’s wisdom.

“Parents always think they are right”

A lot of parents do seem to always think they’re right. This can be because parents have had more life experience and sometimes do know more (often in arguments both sides think they are right). On the other hand, sometimes parents are reluctant to admit the times when their son or daughter knows more about something than they do. It can be bewildering for parents experiencing the rapid changes of their son or daughter in adolescence.

Situation changes

If there are other big changes going on in our life, this create more stress and conflict. Some examples of other major change are: moving to a new state or a different part of the state, family breakdown, or getting a new step-family. Try and talk openly with parents about how this is feeling for you.

Working it out

It’s OK for us to make the first move in dealing with disagreements or conflict with our parents. When we can work out your differences positively, we’ll continue to have a good relationship. Here are a few tips:

• Be respectful when discussing any areas of disagreement.
• Be willing to listen to your parent’s view.
• Stay calm.
• Be non-blaming, don’t accuse.
• Stick to the issue – don’t get side tracked into other areas.
• Use a team approach to working out problems – work at it together, think about what you want in common and work out together how you can get there.
• Use a problem solving model like this one:

1. Decide together exactly what the problem is.

2. Brainstorm the possible solutions – be open and creative.

3. Think out the consequences of each possible solution.

4. Choose one idea and do it.

5. Did it work? If so, congratulate yourself and each other. If not, go back to step 2 and try another idea.

These tools can be used in any conflict situation, not just with your parents. They can be used with grandparents, foster parents, and step-parents or residential care staff and friends..

The good news is that all the studies indicate that generally things settle down when people are about 18. What they can’t agree on is why this gets better. Some say it’s because your parents have finally begun to see you as the young adult you are. Some say it’s because you’ve worked through all the tough growth in your thinking and emotions and your physical changes. Others again, say it’s just because many young people move out of home around eighteen and get away from their parents!

As wemove through adolescence and  into young adulthood, our relationships with  our parents seem to get better. Parents can be one of  our best supports, supporting us through the good times and the bad.

Let us all remember : “All parents believe their children can do the impossible. They thought it the minute we were born, and no matter how hard we’ve tried to prove them wrong, they all think it about us now. And the really annoying thing is, they’re probably right.”